And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
