only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Bring me that man meat
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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