I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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