Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
