We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
