I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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