1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
