I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
