I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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