Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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