when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
