look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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