At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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