ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i think i have two assholes
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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