You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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