so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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