One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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