Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
