weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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