I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
