You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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