I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
