My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He has the fingertips of a God
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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