I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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