My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
