Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
