Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
