dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
