I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
