you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
