Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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