best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
