MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
