I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
