so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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