I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
oh god was she eating orange peels again
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
