I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
