you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
