I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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