my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
