you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
