: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
