I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
