i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
