So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize