Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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