You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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