I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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