i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He better not be in your backpack
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
