I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
