kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
