If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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