Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
