I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
