sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
