Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize