I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
