Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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