At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
