After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
