i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
What a dumb baby whore.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
